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I Don’t Want a Project—I Want a Partner

There comes a point in your healing when you look back at your last relationship and realize…

You weren’t in love.

You were in a rescue mission.


You were over-functioning. Over-explaining. Over-extending.

And calling it love.


But deep down, you knew it:

You weren’t his girlfriend.

You were his therapist, his coach, his mother figure, and his rehab center—all wrapped in one.


And sis, that’s not a relationship. That’s emotional labor with no pay and no peace.

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You Are Not a Construction Site

Some men don’t want love. They want a safe place to collapse.

They want someone to absorb their chaos while they resist change.

They want comfort without accountability.

Applause without growth.

Access without investment.


And we, being nurturing, capable, spiritually in tune, and emotionally generous—fall right into it.


We mistake potential for partnership.

We think “if I just love him better,” maybe he’ll heal.

We think “if I show him how loyal I am,” maybe he’ll choose us back.


But baby—you can’t love someone into their readiness.

If he’s not ready to grow, he’s not ready to go with you.


I’m Not His Mother

You were not created to raise a man.

You’re not here to:


  • Heal his trauma for him

  • Translate every inconsistency

  • Excuse his lack of effort

  • Be his peace while he’s causing your storms



You’re not his mother. You’re not his motivator. You’re not his mentor.

You’re a woman who deserves a partner.


And here’s the hard truth:

Sometimes we choose these projects because it keeps us in control.

If he’s broken, we have purpose.

If he’s a mess, we get to be needed.


But at what cost?

"He’s resting in her labor. She’s drowning in his potential."
"He’s resting in her labor. She’s drowning in his potential."

The Emotional Cost of Fixing Someone

Being “the fixer” feels powerful… until you realize it’s draining you.


You start:


  • Ignoring your own needs

  • Making excuses for his behavior

  • Silencing your intuition

  • Downplaying how lonely you feel while “with” someone


And then one day, you look up and realize:

You’ve spent so much time building him that you forgot to protect you.


What Partnership Really Looks Like

A true partner doesn’t need to be raised.

He doesn’t need to be reminded 10 times.

He doesn’t weaponize your emotions.

He wants to do the work—because he respects you, and he respects the relationship.


Healthy love looks like:


  • Emotional availability

  • Consistency, not confusion

  • Mutual growth

  • Accountability without shame

  • Effort that matches energy


You deserve to build with someone—not for them.

You deserve love that doesn’t come with a list of repair tasks.


My challenge for you:

What are you carrying that was never your assignment?

Make a list. Then cross it out. That’s not your weight anymore.


Your Turn to Change the Narrative

I want you to stop asking, “How can I get him to change?”

And start asking, “Why am I staying in something that doesn’t support my growth?”


You are not a life coach in a relationship.

You are not a walking second chance.

You are not hard to love—you’ve just been busy loving people who require you to shrink.


Ready to Love Smarter?

This blog series is only the beginning.

The Ladies Playbook is coming—with the tools, truth, and strategies to help you date from a place of power, not pain.


Subscribe to getinspiredwithdeanisha to get:

  • Journal prompts

  • Healing affirmations

  • Sneak peeks of what’s next

  • Private invites to upcoming workshops



Stay tuned for what’s next. We’re not settling anymore.


~Coach D


 
 
 

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