Why We’re Attracted to People Who Can’t Love Us Back

by Coach D | Get Inspired with Deanisha

Let’s be real for a second—

There’s something maddeningly magnetic about someone who’s just out of reach. The slow texter. The emotionally avoidant. The “I’m not ready for a relationship” guy who still wants full relationship benefits. Somehow, we end up doing the most… for the one doing the least.

But why?

Why do we find ourselves attracted to people who can’t (or won’t) love us fully?

Why do we stay entangled in confusion, waiting for clarity from someone who never promised us anything?

Spoiler alert: It’s not about them.

It’s about us.

Familiar Doesn’t Always Mean Healthy

When emotional unavailability feels attractive, it’s often because it feels familiar.

Maybe we grew up learning to chase approval. Maybe love always felt earned, never given freely. Or maybe we’ve been taught that love must be dramatic to be real.

So when someone gives us just enough to keep us hooked, but never enough to feel secure—we confuse that anxiety for chemistry.

But baby, if you always have to guess where you stand… you don’t.

Check the Mirror, Sis

It’s easy to call him toxic, and maybe he is.

But healing starts when we ask: What part of me is entertained by the chase?

What unhealed part of me believes that someone else’s inconsistency is a challenge I need to win?

Sometimes we confuse “the spark” with “the wound.”

And sometimes… we’re emotionally unavailable too—but we hide it by choosing people who will never fully show up. That way, we never have to either.

Attraction ≠ Alignment

Just because you want him doesn’t mean he’s for you.

Wanting something that isn’t good for you is a pattern—until it becomes a lesson.

And the truth is: emotionally unavailable people often give us the perfect excuse to stay small. To avoid the risk of being fully seen. To keep performing instead of receiving.

But you don’t have to earn love.

You don’t have to decode it.

You don’t have to prove you’re “worth it” to someone who isn’t even showing up.

Let’s Be Honest:

Have you ever…

• Tried to “win” someone over with loyalty they didn’t ask for?

• Mistook confusion for mystery—and thought if you loved harder, they’d change?

• Stayed in a situationship because it felt safer than being alone?

  
  

You’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

But it’s time to stop rehearsing heartbreak. It’s time to get in the game—not the cycle.

What’s Next:

In Part 2, we’re calling out the confusion for what it is.

“Mixed Signals Aren’t Cute—They’re Confusing” is coming next.

We’re done translating inconsistency into possibility.

But for now…

Here’s your Playbook Prompt:

What have I been calling chemistry that might actually be chaos?

📥 Want more?

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